by Alex Allen
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Have you noticed how essentially, utility companies can be as incompetent and inefficient as they want because basically, it's your problem if you can't pay them. It's not like I can just renounce water altogether, it's a fairly basic requirement after all. I like drinking, washing, cleaning and all the other good things that come as standard with H2O. I recently had a fairly unpleasant experience with Anglian Water, where I attempted to pay a water bill no less than 5 times before it eventually came out of my account, and the angry letters from 'Sotherton Debt Collection' stopped arriving on my door mat informing me that plans were a foot to take my most loved possessions from if I did not ring NOW (call them hired thugs if you will, some of these people evidently have ample Microsoft Office formatting skills). What is offered below, is a rough transcript of the phone survey I was asked to complete by Anglian Water two weeks after I finally managed to pay said bill.
Me: 'Hello?'
Anglian Water: 'Oh Hello Mr Allen, I'm calling from Anglian Water. You're number was recently logged on our system as having called our customer service line, and I'm just calling you to make sure that you received the service you required, and was hoping you'd be able to answer a short survey?'
Me: 'Definitely', go ahead.'
Anglian Water: 'Great, right, how would you rate the quality of service provided to you by Anglian Water, one being extremely unsatisfied, five being totally satisfied'.
Me: 'One'.
'One. Oh dear, why's that?'
Me: 'Well, I attempted to pay my bill no less than five times, each time thinking the friendly person on the other end of the phone had done the job they were supposed to, only to be sent a succession of angry letters threatening me with legal action and an intention to relinquish me of my most valuable possessions'.
Anglian Water: 'Oh dear, very sorry to hear that. How efficient would you mark our customer service from one to five, one being extremely unsatisfied, five being totally satisfied?'
[I particularly enjoyed this attempt by the customer adviser to brush off the various attempts to cajoul me with threats of physical violence by virtue of a quick, consoling response, before getting back to the business of trying to fit my lengthy opinions in to a tick sheet.]
Me: 'Well, it seemed efficient at the time, but your given your inability to actually process my payment, the people on the end of the line could have been playing Minesweeper for all I know'.
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Anglian Water: 'So one?'
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Me: 'Yes, one.'
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Anglian Water: 'OK Mr Allen, almost done, how long would you say you were waiting on hold before you spoke to one of our customer service advisers? Again, one being the longest time, five being the shortest time.'
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Me: I spent about twenty minutes listening to some sort of bizarre fairground style hold music, being continually told how important your call was to me. When I receive important calls, I answer them. That's common sense.
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Anglian Water: 'OK, and finally, has your experience with Anglian Water put you off using our service in the future? (waits) Well, I suppose there's not much need to answer that is there?'
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Me: 'Well, no, I think everything I've said really speaks for itself.
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Anglian Water: 'OK, thanks for your feedback Mr Allen, I'll pass this on to our customer service department who monitor quality service standards.'
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[I love this term 'monitoring' that seems to be standard use among all phone lines. In essence, it's watching, or listening. It's not 'monitoring'. It's a word that's been conjoured up to make it seem that these companies are doing something when they're not. At no point does this word imply any form of action other sitting around, looking at the problem.]
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Me: 'OK, great, thanks bye.'
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Anglian Water: 'Thank you for your time, Mr Allen.'
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