Angus, Anyone?

By Alex Allen

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When was it that Burger King became so obsessed with Aberdeen Angus beef? More to the point, why are they so surprised that nobody seems to believe them? Let me help you out Burger King, it's because your burger meal costs about five pounds. From that, you need to subtract the cost of paying your staff, maintaining your store by paying the bills and buying cleaning supplies as well as turning over a profit. How much money does the really leave for ingredients? Absolutely fuck all. So forgive me if I'm slightly sceptical about your quality produce Burger King. What they don't seem to understand, is that their customers have spent their whole lives trying to mentally block out what they're eating there. When I go in to a Burger King the last thing I want to see is that fucking nutrition wheel on everything I order, telling me that everything is code orange. The truth is, that if I ever actually thought for more than two minutes continually about what the likely ingredients of my Whopper were, I'd probably be put off burgers forever. That's why these places have to give their products stupid names that detract from what's actually in them. Big Mac, Whopper, Zinger burger, they're all complete nonsense, what does Zinger even mean? So when Gillian 'shit analyser' McKeith comes on the television with the sensational scoop that, brace yourselves, sausages are bad, I always think the same thing. Of course they are, people aren't idiots (well, some are).

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Things that taste good will, invariably, have one or more of butter, sugar, fat or salt in them if they taste good. It's a simple enough equation. And I know that that isn't a particularly mature way of dealing with health issues, but people get that fast food isn't good for you. This ludicrous idea that somehow Burger King has become a place to go for good dining is completely out of the left field. It's a place to go when you're unbelievably hungry at a service station or London underground, and the only alternative is an Upper Crust. There are few other times in my life when I can justify ordering an XL bacon double cheeseburger, honestly, I think you have to run a half marathon just to burn it off. Burger King are good at offering you add ons to your meal, things that when you're hungry, you're going to want. 'Do you want to add bacon to that for thirty pence?' I challenge anyone to find an instance when they wouldn't want to add bacon to something! Pancakes, sandwiches, burgers, bacon is a human super food. It's not fair to ask that question to someone. Other items that you can be lured by include cheese, onion rings and barbecue sauce. When you're sitting there with your burger in the departure lounge waiting , and we've all been there, the last thing you feel is classy. If I was classy, I'd be sitting in first class on the fucking plane eating nice food already. As it is, I'm sitting in a booth squirting ketchup over my burger, and last thing I feel like in that situation is to start classily tucking in to some Aberdeen Angus beef.