Bread is dead

'Log on to Kingsmill confessions now and send us yours', advises a recent advert for Kingsmill the breadmakers. Are people really doing this? Are people really stealing unguarded sandwiches and then logging the theft on some kind of database? It doesn't sound like something people would do, but you never know what will capture the imagination of the British public. Without wanting to get in to too much depth, some of the thefts sound quite poorly executed. I know it isn't supposed to be Diagnosis Murder - nobody would even think of trying to steal Dick Van Dyke's sandwich, but, for example, in one scenario the original sandwich creator is tricked in to thinking he just never made it in the first place. Amnesia, it's a serious business, let's not start using it to gain free sandwiches.
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Unbelievably there's even a website dedicated to the art of sandwich stealing. Perhaps even more unbelievably people are logging incidents on it, 'I lock myself in the stationery cupboard at work so I can enjoy my favourite sandwich in peace and quiet', writes the amigously named Julie. You lock yourself in there or you've been locked in there Julie? There's only one word different, but it changes the tone of the whole thing. Colleagues are questioning your sanity, people are talking about you and wondering if you're OK. In short, you have bigger problems to contend with.
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Another effort from Kingsmill pictures a teenager asleep in bed. Nothing can wake him, not even some kind of Wallace and Gromit style contraption with symbols and bells attached to it. A real nightmare, and I can't tell you how many families I know who have resorted to a series or pullies and levers to wake their child up. Fortunately a solution is at hand, the mother toasts some bread, wafts the sweet scent up the stairs using the door and, as if by magic, the teenager surfaces and eats all of the toast. A charming story, almost certainly based on real events.
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What these companies all seem to have in common is a similar element of borderline lunacy that has made them think people care about bread. Trust me, they don't. If Kingsmill shut down tomorrow, it would take me three, four or even five months to anyone to even notice. Sometimes you have to just accept the sad truth that you're product is what it is. It's isn't going to evolve, improve or really become any better or worse than it was when it started. Not that this logic has stopped some companies from trying and succeeding at reinenting the wheel as what is essentially the same wheel. The common toothbrush is a good example of a product which has supposedly been evolving for years and still looks exactly the same. The fact is that people need bread. People will buy bread. Who really knows what actually makes you choose one type over another? I suppose for the one person that managed to pursuade Warburtons in to an ill fated production run of Jolly Ranchers flavoured white loaves might enjoy that one loaf and buy it, but I imagine it's generally the little things. Which name do I remember? Which loaf hasn't been trodden on by the shelf stacker that stacked it? Which is least expensive? For these reasons perhaps it's the companies cited here that are really getting it right and holding my attention the most.