Catching the Skills Train

by Alex J Allen

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It's getting pretty late, and I've got work in the morning, so I figured I should probably go to bed. Suddenly I got sidetracked by something much more interesting, a Watchdog repeat with sign language! It sounds selfish, but even though deaf programming has already been sent to the wasteland of early morning programming you always feel a bit aggrieved that this man is taking up valuable screen space. You feel bad for thinking it, but he's in the way of your good time. It turns out, people have actually signed up to that ridiculous 'Skills Train' advert that's been doing the rounds on the TV in the middle of the day targeting the unemployed. 'My name is Alan and I spent £2100 on a course from the Skills Train, I was hoping to start a new life and get in to a career in IT consulting'. Consulting! I wouldn't let you consult me on which colour pen to use, look at the state of you! Basically, after catching the skills train (sigh), Alan received a Microsoft course on IT from about 1987, which he said seemed quite out of date. You paid two thousand pounds for a book Alan, what a nightmare! Apparently, when Alan rang up to complain, nobody answered. I bet they fucking didn't! I bet they couldn't believe their luck! Two thousand pounds, Jesus, he might as well have spent it all on Skittles and lottery tickets.

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I have absolutely no sympathy for these people, who seem to think that you can learn all there is about IT consultancy from a CD. It's completely implausible, for the same reason that I couldn't train to be a doctor by watching Casualty repeats all day. I empathise, spending the day slipping on wet floors and falling off ladders and trying to claim compensation from the National Accident Helpline can't be a very rewarding use of these peoples' day. Fine. But there are no magic beanstalks in life. If you trade your cow in for magic beans, you should expect and accept everything bad that happens to you.