If Babies Could Talk...

by Alex Allen

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When did it become acceptable for middle aged men to provide the voice overs for babies and dogs in adverts? Why has that bizzare situation just become standard practice amongst advertising executives, and perfectly normal to the viewing public? 'And now she's using our baby oil!' Says the man. Your baby oil? It's not your baby oil, it was never your baby oil! Why? It's for babies! You Sir, are not a baby. Perhaps, you enjoy dressing as one at the weekend. Perhaps it reminds you of a simpler time, giant nappies, dummies and everything else that comes as part and parcel of early childhood. Frankly, this is your decision, your free time is your own, but in the eyes of the law you are a man. This is overlooking the fact that, as far as I can predict, babies surely don't give a fuck about their baby oil, never mind becoming fiercely possessive of it. I imagine their thought process goes, shit, sleep and eat, which of course leads right back to shit again. It's a simple process, let's not try and find added meaning where these is none to be found. As for Andrex, why does this Labrador have such a vested interest in a product he has literally no use for unless he happens to be the most domesticated dog in Britain? Let's be clear here, this dog's thought process is remarkably similar. Shit, eat, run around a bit, sleep, and so on and so on and so on. Frankly, I think this man, if a baby / dog is what he has decided to be, should live with the consequences of that decision their entirety. That means eating all meals mushed in to a fine paste, early bed times, sleeping at the end of, not in, his bed, and daily walks around the park. That's right, it is degrading, it's not all baby oil and unravelling the toilet roll you know.