The Titanic in Hindsight

by Alex J Allen

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According to a new Channel 4 documentary, Titanic could have stayed afloat if it had utilised steel rivets in its design. Apparently, the decision to use wrought iron was one factor behind the ship's legendary surmise. Steel rivets, yeah, I mean, that's probably it. Of course, other factors probably came in to play, like, I don't know, crashing it in to a massive ice berg. Just because the constructors said something to effect of, 'it's indestructible', that wasn't an excuse to treat that as some kind of challenge. It's not like there was a DVLA of sailing back then, I imagine the vetting procedure went to the tune of,

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'Are you good at sailing?'

'Yep.'

'Promise?'

'Sure.'

'OK, good enough for me, away you go.'

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There were no tests! There was no parallel parking! There were no three point turns! So it's really little wonder that after putting an untested nobody in charge that they crashed it. I'd have crashed it. I'd probably have tried to make it do sea doughnuts. I don't even think that's a real thing, but you know, there are no sailing tests! I'd have invented them!

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I always think the film created a totally unnecessary storyline. 'Hmmm, giant expensive ship, "unsinkable", crashes in to iceberg, thousands dead...Hmmmm, how we can turn that in to an exciting film?' You'd think there would be enough there to make a film in its own right for the same reason that Anne Frank didn't need a hilarious side kick, but someone deemed it necessary to jazz the whole story up. And it's just so long. Three hours, when you know the plot (or at least the general premise) in advance, is a long time. I suppose that was why they introduced the love story, as a kind of 'you know the ship's about to sink, but what's going to happen to Jack and Rose!?' twist. Nonetheless, this documentary will shed a fascinating insight in to 16 ways in which the Titanic could have been improved to the point where it might have stayed afloat until the rescue ship arrived. I'm sure that Titanic Mark II: A Pleasant and Forgettable Experience will make just as exciting a cinematic experience.